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According to lunatic fringe author, Mike Philbin, the saucers have landed and martial law in the United States is a fact.
However, help is on the way. Transhuman hero, Mike Brendan, is fighting the invasion alongside a fifty foot Ant.
Karen Koehler has informed sources that Godzilla is on his way. Can Gammera be far behind?
Phil Smith declares that he’s cooked up something in his hidden castle in Scotland that will prevent the New World Order of Nitwits from landing their saucers in Britain. He promises that it will be extremely nasty.
Jerrod Balzer is said to be organizing an army of Elite Special Forces Sasquatches and Creatures from the Black Lagoon. Nessie complains that flying saucers have given her indigestion and she’s decided to crack them open and eat the contents without the shells.
Saber-toothed feline, Odetta, has left a string of broken saucers in Arizona. Raingods complains, “You can’t keep eating them before I can catch one.”
Infamous wannabe writer Lawrence Dagstine was recently photographed leaving a Midtown gay bar with two drag queens. When questioned by papparazi, Mr. Dagstine stumbled on the high heels he was wearing and fell on his face, screaming, “Don’t tell my girlfriend! They’re her clothes!”
Major dust storm drops bomb on Raingods’ doorstep. According to people on the scene, there must have been an odd contagion in that dust storm. Raingods was seen trying to hold off a saber toothed feline while pleading, “Please, Odetta, you can’t eat the neighbors.”
Transhuman author, Mike Brendan, returned from vacation in the mountains in response to a desperate call for help from the Freylinghuysen Botantical Gardens. Killer Tomatoes attack following a visit from mad garden pronographer Rusty Nail. Were-Jackula swears vengeance against Rusty Nail for the murder of his tulips.
Experimental Bondage Sleepsack stolen from Chicago laboratory. Nickolaus Pacione, notorious sleepsack thief, seen in the area. Caution is advised in approaching both the sleepsack and Pacione. The former is known to have eaten several guards. The latter has a dangerous stench attack. Haz-mat suits will be required to secure both creatures.
Author Tim Willard reportly kidnapped by Naughty Sorceress, Sabledrake. The Naughty Sorceress is reputed to have a secret castle in the Transylvanian Mountains, guarded by scantily clad nymphs. International incident in the offing as the 50 Foot AntWife prepares to invade Eastern Europe to get her man back.
Jane Timm Baxter takes Nickolaus Pacione to court. Notorious wannabe transgressive author, Pacione, found hanging from a pole tangled in a tennis net.
I promised to do this weeks ago. Here’s a new set of Tabloid splashy scandalous headlines and other facetious news items for everyone I can think of. If miss someone, let me know and I’ll put up a second set to include them.
Kody caught skinny-dipping with Karen Koehler. Vampire author states “I was just training my new minion.”
Kim Paffenroth was seen sneaking into Louise’s harem. When questioned by reporters, the author of Dying to Live, stated that he was just looking for the kitchen.
Russel Nayle, influential celebrity gossip columnist, denied rumors that he was seen chasing Brian Keene with a butterfly net at the Stoker Awards.
CritGit rescued from cage in Janrae’s basement. According to Raingods‘, leader of the rescue team, CritGit’s captor Ms. Frank was heard maniacally shrieking “Fix my flaws!” before fleeing into the New England forests.
Michele Lee captures Bigfoot. “Monsters make the best sex-slaves,” said Ms. Lee when interviewed.
Lawrence Dagstine severely battered by one-legged midget. “My fans love me,” said Dagstine.
Kevin Lucia arrested for burning books without a permit. “The bad prose made me do it! My eyes! My Eyes!”
Mike Brendan’s eyes implode! Janrae Frank implicated. News at 11. “I knew I shouldn’t have sent Mike that book to read. I knew it.”
