Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

Rip’em Van Winkle meets Fanny Annie: A Fable

Rip’em Van Winkle was a middle-aged disabled woman whose publishing creds had gotten old. She had left fiction after developing a writers block, moved into journalism and editorial work, and kind of fell asleep one day.

When the curse of writers block was lifted Rip’em Van Winkle awoke as if from a daze and began to write fiction again. But while she had been sleeping, the world had altered in many ways. She was informed one day by her agent that she had to have both a website and a blog. She looked him in the eye and said, “I need a what?”

The kindly agent sent her on a quest for a blog and a website. In the course of the quest, she discovered chatrooms and messageboards and writers organizations that she had never heard of before. All seemed well and good. Helpful people were everywhere.

But what she was unaware of was that in order to be a writer in the modern world she had to brave the terrible nests of trolls that lurked beneath the bridges and haunted the messageboards and other places in search of easy prey.

No one had warned her about the trolls and eventually she met one. His name was Nickolaus Ablert PassieAnnie. She did not know that he was a troll because he wore a hoodie to hide his ugly features. He seemed like such a pleasant fellow, asking her to read his writing and offering to read hers. When she saw his work, oh horrors!, it was written in Troll Screed, the language of darkness. Appalled she suggested as gently as she could that he apply a cleansing spell upon it from a magical book called Strunk and White.

Instantly, PassieAnnie revealed that not only was his story written in the evil Troll Screed, but that he was in fact a troll. A terrible battle ensued. In the end Rip’em Van Winkle managed to vanquish the troll with a magical spell from her copy of Roget’s International Thesaurus Fifth Edition.

However, trolls regenerate. So one day, sitting in her inbox was a terrible letter written in Troll Screed. Brandishing her sword of grammar, Rip’em drove him off and thought that that was it.

But all the while PassieAnnie was spreading Troll Screed across the net in vile spewings designed to destroy Rip’em Van Winkle. The skirmishes became a war.

Rip’em Van Winkle became an ebook author, although she still puzzled about those newfangled things. All seemed right with the world again, and she guarded her borders well to prevent incursions from the tribe to which PassieAnnie belonged.

One day, PassieAnnie sent his champion against her. His name was Fanny Annie Daftstine. Daftstine had a high squeaky voice and he spoke with a hissing forked tongue. He was sneaky and treacherous, spreading lies and disinformation in confusing bursts of Troll Screed.

The reader is now requested to write their own conclusions to this tale.


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This entry was posted on February 12, 2008 by in Janrae Frank and tagged , , , .

Janrae Frank

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