Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

28 hours without sleep

I have gone 28 hours without sleep. Every time I put my head on the pillow I either get angry all over again, or I start having flashbacks. At Wednesday’s team meeting for Daverana Enterprises, we got off on a bitch session about Jean. The guys (Phil, Gustavo, and Niwi) went missing. In the course of it, we got off on the subject of my former step-son and that put me over the edge into flashbacks and nightmares.

I kept trying to leave the meeting as my stomach clenched up and another round of adrenaline hit me. I was shaking and sick to my stomach by the time I left. No one there meant to trigger those. They just happen. I’m as wired as I am on those night when I am trying to write myself into exhaustion so that I can lay down without having another round of memory noise.

The connections connect. The associations associate. I wish that my insurance covered more sessions with a cognitive therapist.

As I watch what is going down with Jean, I keep getting flooded with more memories. It is hard work to escape them. I’m hyper and nervous as a cat. But they won’t let me go. I have to just ride them out and keep going until I can let exhaustion release me.


2 comments on “28 hours without sleep

  1. khazar
    August 8, 2008


    There’s an enormous gap between pity, sympathy & empathy. I pity the fool does not suggest sympathy!

    We all want to help. Some of us have had ugly experiences, and talking about them, while painful, can be therapeutic. Not as good as a sawed-off shotgun to the tormentor’s abdomen, but good nonetheless. And a few of us have spent enough time in therapy to be pretty good sounding boards.

  2. cussedness
    August 8, 2008

    Thanks, Khazar.

    You are very right.

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This entry was posted on August 7, 2008 by in Janrae Frank, memoir, questionable business practices and tagged , , , .

Janrae Frank

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