Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

Maybe I am or was batshit crazy

Dungstain does not understand trauma or its effects.

My entire life was stained by violence from the time I took a baseball bat to a drunken uncle who was battering his wife on the front lawn when I was home alone at age 11 to the time that a marine sergeant (who happened to be my brother) cracked three of my ribs by banging me against a piano and tried to choke me to death. I was 23, and a few months shy of 24, and I beat him in the face with a heavy flashlight to get his hands off my throat.

By the time that I was forty, the unending abuse, both physical and mental/emotional, had become so bad that I had developed a hair trigger response of bringing my fists up to defend myself whether the assault was physical or verbal.

I was told by others that, when I demolished the gangster wannabe in the halls of this building, my facial expression was demonic. The guy had threatened to kill my little dog, Levy. After that he started crossing the street to avoid me. That was only seven years ago.

Dealing with Dagstine, more than Nicky these days, sometimes sets off those same responses.

So yes, maybe I am batshit crazy. But at least the crazy has triggers and I worked with a cognitive therapist for several years trying to get control of it.

I think I still have a right to resent Dagstine’s remarks.

I doubt that he has ever had anything more traumatic than a stubbed toe happen to him.

I put the traumas of my life into my writing and there are times when I write obsessively for days and hours at a time trying to runaway from the memories and flashbacks.

I have never made any secret of that. Sometimes exhaustion is the only thing that lets me sleep because as soon as I put my head on the pillow the dreams, memories, and flashbacks start up again.

Some of them are violent and others are just a pit of sorrow. But I run from both of them.

I wanted to get some writing done today, but it looks like all I will do is blog and run in that manner..

I promised Sovay that I would help her with her novel, but I put her off until 5, which is an hour and a half from now.

My last neurologist attributes my seizure disorder to having been pounded against the wall repeatedly by my step father who stands six foot five inches tall and weighs two hundred and fifty pounds. He banged me against that wall until I grayed out. I was 42 at the time. There is a little bit of something inside my head that is probably benign, but the timing for the development of the first symptoms is perfect for when he beat me. He also admitted years later to being the person who cut the breaklines on my car, gave me a naughty boy smile, and laughed in my face.

If I am batshit crazy, then life made me a present of it.


17 comments on “Maybe I am or was batshit crazy

  1. Louise
    September 19, 2008

    Janrae, big hugs. You are a survivor, hon, and hold your head high and be proud, darling. Those haters will never be half the person you are.

    All the best always,

    Louise xox

  2. Cuss Kid
    September 19, 2008

    tough ol’ mom you are

  3. Cuss Kid
    September 19, 2008

    Honestly, dungstain et all have never had anything really bad happen to them. I have, and I have a much thicker skin than them. I should try and write another post in my blog tomorrow.

  4. Louise
    September 19, 2008

    Hugs to Cuss kid, too! 😉 (Take care, Sovay, and many good wishes with the novel)

    Louise xox

  5. Johaha
    September 19, 2008

    You don’t have to defend yourself, Cuss.

    One day, Daggy might.

    I’d love to be there.

  6. Johaha
    September 19, 2008

    I meant defend yourself to us and all who read this.

    Daggy, however, will one day find himself in a tight spot he cannot get out of.

  7. cussedness
    September 19, 2008

    Agreed, Johaha.

    I think what set this off actually was that Dagstine read through and found out that I was going through withdrawal from my seizure meds.

    Neurontin has a non FDA approved use as an anti-depressant. Most insurance companies will not cover it for that use.

    However, Dagstine is going to have to argue that out with my feet, legs, and left arm. It hasn’t yet had enough time to build up in my system and last night I had to deal with the jumping leg all night long.

    So fuck him with a cast iron dildo.

  8. khazar
    September 19, 2008

    Dingleberry has TOO had a traumatic incident. HE had sex with a WOMAN. That’s how he got the Invisible Child.

    And if you don’t think sex with a woman was traumatic for him, you know damned right well it nearly killed her.

  9. cussedness
    September 19, 2008

    Hee, Khazar.

    I’m still angry. I managed to get most of the formatting done and I’ve been talking about writing off and on with Sovay. Mostly of theories of characterization.

  10. Jane Timm Baxter
    September 20, 2008

    Of course, I’m not going to post my past experiences here, but I’m willing to talk about them with you if you would like. I only haven’t because I didn’t want to trigger you.
    Jim, who has had to witness 6 gruesome cancer deaths, has told many people that “Jane has had the worst past of anyone I have ever even heard of. There was no childhood — only the Circles of Hell.”

    And that is why I am, primarily, a horror writer. I have to get out what is in my head and my soul and my veins or I have no doubt that there *would* be a body count.

    A large body count.

  11. cussedness
    September 20, 2008

    According to the only relative I stay in contact with, they basically killed my brother Allan, who was the only one I was close to other than my grandparents. They left him passed out on the floor of the bathroom for over 24 hours before bothering to call the emts. Their explanation later was that they assumed he had been passed out from drinking … but over 24 hours? I don’t think so.

  12. cussedness
    September 20, 2008

    I dread to think of what might have happened to my daughter if I had not fled to Massachusets eleven years ago.

  13. khazar
    September 20, 2008

    My childhood was pretty good.

    The guy I met in my 20s managed to make up for lost time.

  14. Johaha
    September 20, 2008

    I dread to think of what would happen to Daggy if he stood before me.

    No, actually I don’t dread it.
    I hope it happens.

    Here’s looking at that tight spot you won’t be able to get out of, Lorenzo.

  15. Sabledrake
    September 20, 2008

    You’ve been through a lot, Janrae, and you’ve coped with it far better than most. Don’t let the bastards get you down. And certainly don’t worry about others being influenced by their bullshit. The main rule of gossip should always be “Consider the source.” This particular source has about all the credibility of a sandwichboard END IS NIGH corner-shouters.

  16. 50footant
    September 20, 2008

    Keep your chin up, girl. 🙂

  17. cussedness
    September 20, 2008

    Thanks, Sabledrake and 50ftant.

    I appreciate it.

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Janrae Frank

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