Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

Tabloid Headlines #3


Youthful genius, Kody Boye, was recently rescued from a spooky mansion in Vermont owned by well-known dark fantasy author, Janrae Frank. Kody spoke to police on the scene, saying, “She’s batshit crazy, I tell you! Batshit! The place is full of bats and some of them are vampires! I swear it!”

Literary recluse, Phil Smith, recently increased the defenses on his not so secret castle in the Scottish Highlands, and received a shipment of bat quano from batshit crazy author, Janrae Frank. When questioned about this, Mr. Smith told reporters, “It’s just the nitrates I’m interested in, really.”
When asked what he intended to do with the nitrates, he replied, “Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?”

Renegade wannabe Mike Philbin was recently arrested for breaking into the London Zoo and having sex with a chimpanzee. His reply to reporters was, “I thought it was a dinosaur.”

Jesus Visits Morris, IL. The Son of God was recently seen in Morris, Illinois, where he assaulted wannabe rebel writer, Nickolaus Pacione, with a copy of Tabloid Purposes, yelling, “Get thee hence, Satan.”

Savage Steve Revealed to Be a Shih Tzu. Photographed by investigative journalist, Tomo Joe, it has now been revealed that Savage Steve is actually a mutant dog with a computer fetish.

Secret Zippers found on Jerrod Balzer’s Sasquatch Suit. When questioned by Michele Lee, the noted author replied, “When you gotta pee, you just gotta pee.”

Lawyer Scalds Brooklyn Client. Wannabe author, Lawrence Dagstine, has filed suit in New York courts against his lawyer, Epub Bogus McCoy, for dumping boiling hot soup on his head. Mr. McCoy replied to questioning, “He deserved it.”

Bob Freeman Caught by Poltergeist. Would be rescuers are still stumped as to how to get Cairnwood author off the ceiling where he is reported to be imprisoned by an irate poltergeist.

Rich Ristow
Lost at Sea. Noted author and poetry expert is reported to be lost at sea after being kidnapped by horny mermaids.

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15 comments on “Tabloid Headlines #3

  1. Phil Smith
    September 20, 2008

    That’s right. Let them think I’m in Scotland. Heh heh heh heh heh…

  2. CritGit
    September 20, 2008

    Bizarrely brilliant.

  3. Rusty
    September 20, 2008

    I think Bob would get a kick out of his entry.

  4. cussedness
    September 20, 2008

    Thanks. A night’s sleep did wonders for me. And I’m ready to deal with the day.

  5. Sabledrake
    September 20, 2008

    We should put together a rescue party for Rich. Save him from those horny mermaids. He’d want that. In, say, about six or seven weeks. Hustle, people! The calendar is ticking!

  6. Raingods
    September 20, 2008

    but, but, but…what about me? 😛

  7. Louise
    September 20, 2008

    hahahaha That was great, Cuss. Kudos. 🙂

  8. cussedness
    September 20, 2008

    You’ll be in the next one, Raingods! I promise.

  9. rich
    September 20, 2008

    Naturally, I would have responded sooner, but there’s no computers out here in the ocean! That is, until *we* found our way to this abandoned oil platform.

    =)

  10. Savage Steve King
    September 20, 2008

    Savage Steve Revealed to Be a Shih Tzu. Photographed by investigative journalist, Tomo Joe, it has now been revealed that Savage Steve is actually a mutant dog with a computer fetish.

    Woof? Arwoo, ruff ruff ruff bark. Yip woof woof woof bark-bark yip. Arf arf bay ruff ruff woof… damn translator isn’t working right… there it goes.

  11. Kody Boye
    September 20, 2008

    lololololol… XD

  12. Melany
    September 21, 2008

    This was more entertaining than reading the national enquirer! Not that I would read said magazine. (proceeds to shove a copy under her butt to hide it)

  13. cussedness
    September 21, 2008

    And the comments are always as fun as the post itself. I live for the funny comments.

  14. Rusty
    September 21, 2008

    We should put together a rescue party for Rich. Save him from those horny mermaids. He’d want that. In, say, about six or seven weeks. Hustle, people! The calendar is ticking!

    Nah. Give it until a week before Christmas, then watch him scurry around trying to buy presents for friends and family.

  15. Sabledrake
    September 22, 2008

    Betcha they’d all get seashell bras and tridents.

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