Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

Tabloid Headlines #4


Infamous wannabe writer Lawrence Dagstine was recently photographed leaving a Midtown gay bar with two drag queens. When questioned by papparazi, Mr. Dagstine stumbled on the high heels he was wearing and fell on his face, screaming, “Don’t tell my girlfriend! They’re her clothes!”

Major dust storm drops bomb on Raingods’ doorstep. According to people on the scene, there must have been an odd contagion in that dust storm. Raingods was seen trying to hold off a saber toothed feline while pleading, “Please, Odetta, you can’t eat the neighbors.”

Transhuman author, Mike Brendan, returned from vacation in the mountains in response to a desperate call for help from the Freylinghuysen Botantical Gardens. Killer Tomatoes attack following a visit from mad garden pronographer Rusty Nail. Were-Jackula swears vengeance against Rusty Nail for the murder of his tulips.

Experimental Bondage Sleepsack stolen from Chicago laboratory.  Nickolaus Pacione, notorious sleepsack thief, seen in the area.  Caution is advised in approaching both the sleepsack and Pacione.  The former is known to have eaten several guards.  The latter has a dangerous stench attack.  Haz-mat suits will be required to secure both creatures.

Author Tim Willard reportly kidnapped by Naughty Sorceress, Sabledrake.  The Naughty Sorceress is reputed to have a secret castle in the Transylvanian Mountains, guarded by scantily clad nymphs.  International incident in the offing as the 50 Foot AntWife prepares to invade Eastern Europe to get her man back.

Jane Timm Baxter takes Nickolaus Pacione to court.  Notorious wannabe transgressive author, Pacione, found hanging from a pole tangled in a tennis net.

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15 comments on “Tabloid Headlines #4

  1. Louise
    September 27, 2008

    “Infamous wannabe writer Lawrence Dagstine was recently photographed leaving a Midtown gay bar with two drag queens. When questioned by papparazi, Mr. Dagstine stumbled on the high heels he was wearing and fell on his face, screaming, “Don’t tell my girlfriend! They’re her clothes!” ”

    ROTFLMAO!

    Thanks for the lulz, Janrae. hehe 😀

    Louise xox

  2. Rusty
    September 27, 2008

    The one about Pacione and the sleepsack was brilliant.

  3. rich
    September 28, 2008

    Investigative reporters uncover a secret Skullvines Press plot to release a series of kitten and puppie photo albums entitled “Teh Cute.” When questioned, Mr. Balzer and Mr. Hintz vehemently denied the rumor and passed the press copies of Tabliod Terrors 2: Nessie Tried to Pimp My Wife. “Do we look like the kitten loving types?” Mr. Balzer exclaimed. He stared a moment at the reporters, and then said, “Really. Honestly. Do we?”

  4. raingods
    September 28, 2008

    LOL! So you’ve met my cat, then? The only reason I moved last year was we ran out of neighbors.

    Hmm, what’s that, Detta? You want to go to Illinois? Why yes, there is a fat rat there, ripe for the eating, but it’s poisonous.

  5. JerrodBalzer
    September 28, 2008

    Honestly. Do we?

  6. Jane Timm Baxter
    September 28, 2008

    A friend of mine and I used to play tennis on roller skates. It was great fun until I went to rush the net, and ended up running into it so hard that I flipped over it and landed flat on my back.

    Also, my friend was hitting me right in the forehead on each serve. It’s only an accident when it happens ONCE, dammit!

  7. cussedness
    September 28, 2008

    Ian Fleming: “Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

    Jerrod, have you been feeding kittens to Nessie again? Ewww!

  8. Mike Brendan
    September 28, 2008

    I leave you guys alone for one week, and what happens?

    Only one thing for it…

    Anyone hungry for spaghetti? I got plenty of sauce.

  9. cussedness
    September 28, 2008

    SPAGHETTI! With meat balls?

  10. Sabledrake
    September 28, 2008

    They are NOT nymphs!

    They’re satyrical Johnny Depp clones.

    But I can see how the eyeliner might’ve been misleading.

  11. cussedness
    September 29, 2008

    Johnny Depp Clones? This reporter was definitely misled by the eyeliner. However, I still say they are not wearing much. What’s with the loin cloths and mid-riff tops?

  12. Karen
    September 29, 2008

    “Experimental Bondage Sleepsack stolen from Chicago laboratory.”

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    That is all. 😆

  13. Sabledrake
    September 29, 2008

    It was a warm day! Their pirate outfits were in the wash! My horoscope said to try something different! Louise sent me a gift card from Harem Hunks Costuming Inc.!

  14. Kody Boye
    September 30, 2008

    WTF? Why wasn’t I in this one?

    Darn, now I feel left out…

    lol, not really. 😛

  15. cussedness
    September 30, 2008

    Ya know, Kody. Raingods said something similar just before I posted this one and look what it got him? A neighbor-eating cat. 🙂

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Janrae Frank

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