Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane

Nitwit Cooking #1


In honor of Julia Child and the new movie about her, I am presenting you with the first in my Nitwit Cooking series.  I hope that you enjoy them as much as I do.  I have enough to cover several days of post, but am always looking for more contributions for them.

Courtesy of Phil Smith:

Hamburgers a la Nickolaus.

1) Beg grandmother for $20
2) Beg cousin for a lift to McDonald’s
3) Buy two Happy Meals and eat them both.
4) Beg cousin for a lift back

Philbinburgers

1) Go to any burger outlet.
2) Find a female attendant at the counter. Place order, substituting the words ‘jizz’, ‘cum’, ‘semen’ and any other synonym for ejaculate where possible. When she shows signs of discomfort, complain to the manager.

Big Dagstines.

1) Get a job in McDonald’s.
2) Take Big Mac bun, shit in it twice — one for each layer. Wipe your arse on a leaf of lettuce and put that in too.
3) When the customer complains to the manager, lecture them both about how the food industry is dead and how you’re saving it.
4) Then for the next few days, follow the customer around. Post notes through her letter box saying “You bitch, you deserve to be raped and killed. ;)”

[Got to have the winky emoticon in it too. “But it was a joke! Can’t you see it was a joke?”]

Courtesy of Johaha

Dagstine’s Genius Lasagna:

Remember, for the best lasagna always begin by threatening, then bragging and cajoling others into thinking it’s the best. And remember, if some doubt your genius, even bad press is good press.

To begin:
6 pounds of choice minced beef on special half-price because its due date was yesterday. Why so much?  Well, use 2 pounds. Sell the rest at a genre market stall for even less. You’ll make a fortune! Trust me.

4 boxes of lasagna sheets you got your parents to buy for you.

3 tins of chopped tomatoes you lifted from the corner store. And no, that isn’t you seen in the CCTV footage.

2 whopping big deep baking dishes you “borrowed” from your partner’s mother. (Don’t return it.)

1 onion, a garlic clove, beef stock, some basil and other spices, all taken from your mother’s cupboard.

Cooking:
Now beg your mother to make it for you. Claim you’ve got ear cancer and can’t do it yourself. Disappear for a while until done.

Place on your bedspread and photograph, claiming it is your family table. Talk about how difficult yet rewarding it was to create this dish for your loving family.

Now be sure and speak a bit about how you’re single-handedly revolutionising the lasagna business. Refer to yourself as an “icon” or “urban legend”.
If anyone questions your genius, threaten and stalk them and be sure to mention you have a private detective ready to pounce on them. If they call your bluff, disappear again until it blows over.

What does this have to do with making good lasagna? Nothing. It’s the bad press that makes people think you make great lasagna. Practicing and honing your cooking skills is not required.

Courtesy of Rusty

Coq au Vin

Servings:  4-6

Cook Time:  4 hours

Ingredients:

  • One old cock, cut into serving pieces
  • Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/4 to 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
  • 6 ounces salt pork, slab bacon, or lardon, cubed
  • 8 ounces button mushrooms, quartered
  • 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
  • 1.5 liters of red wine, preferably rot-gut from a box
  • 2 tablespoons tomato paste or tomato puree
  • 1 onion, quartered
  • 2 stalks celery, quartered
  • 2 medium carrots, quartered
  • 3 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 6 to 8 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 2 cups chicken stock or broth

Method:

    1. Brown the bacon until crispy in a skillet, and remove from the pan
    2. Salt and pepper the pieces of cock on all sides, and coat with flour
    3. Brown the cock in the skillet, a few pieces at a time, if necessary, and remove from the pan to a Dutch oven
    4. Sautee the mushrooms for about five minutes, and remove them from the pan (store these with the bacon in an airtight container until ready to use)
    5. Pour off any remaining fat, and deglaze the skillet with a cup of wine
    6. Pour this into the Dutch oven along with the chicken stock, tomato paste, quartered onion, carrots, celery, garlic, thyme, and bay leaf. Add all of the remaining wine. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
    7. The next day, preheat the oven to 325F
    8. Pop the cock into the oven and simmer gently for 2 to 2-1/2 hours, until it no longer squirts white liquid when poked with a fork
    9. Remove the cock, place it in an ovenproof dish, covered, and back into the oven to keep war while you finish the sauce
    10. Strain the cooking liquid into a saucepot and simmer to reduce by 1/3
    11. Add the mushrooms and bacon to the reduced sauce, and adjust the salt and pepper as necessary
    12. If needed to further thicken the sauce, mush the butter up with a tablespoon of flour, drop it into the sauce, and bring it to a boil
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6 comments on “Nitwit Cooking #1

  1. Rusty
    August 8, 2009

    Step 13: serve it on a tinfoil platter.

  2. johaha
    August 8, 2009

    Step 14: be sure and wear a tin foil hat.

  3. Mike Brendan
    August 8, 2009

    Philbin’s Anti-corporate White Chili

    What you need:
    2 lbs of ground meat given to you by Dagstine (such a shrewd anti-coporate businessman!)
    2 cans of white kidney beans
    Three packets of Taco Bell seasoning
    1 qt of ejaculate

    * Take the ground meat from Dagstine, being sure to ignore his empty praise and claim he’s not your friend.
    * Warm meat in a skillet. Condemn America for saying meat should be thoroughly cooked to avoid health hazards.
    * Scoff at Taco Bell, but add seasoning anyway.
    * Dump the meat in a stew pot. Add beans and ejaculate.
    * Stir well and heat, but do not actually cook.
    * Sell on Ebay for $10 a cup. Denigrate any woman who dares say you can’t cook.

  4. cussedness
    August 11, 2009

    Roflmao.

    I’m almost to the point where I feel like doing a new Tabloid Headlines post.

  5. Rusty
    August 11, 2009

    Go for it!

  6. Rusty
    August 11, 2009

    Baked Zucchini

    Serves: 4
    Cook time: 1 hour

    Ingredients:
    three zucchini
    two cloves of garlic
    one bay leaf
    half a vidalia onion
    a pint of tomato sauce

    Method:
    slice the zucchini into coins
    simmer it with the rest of the ingredients for a few minutes
    add in the tomato sauce
    top with half a cup of of cheese
    bake at 350F for 30-45 minutes, until it’s bubbly and smells done
    cool for 10 minutes, then tuck into it

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