Cussedness Corner

"My work may be garbage but it's good garbage." Mickey Spillane


We probably all know that when we’re tired, it can affect both our mood and our ability to think clearly.

One of the aspects my post-polio syndrome is a chronic pattern of fatigue and little or no stamina. It has been this way since I was a child (I had polio when I was six weeks shy of 8). So the swing is far more dramatic and frequent for me than it is for people with normal health.

I was home-schooled for most of my life. It was the 1960s (I had polio in 1962) and they had what was called the “home hospital” program through the public schools. They sent a teacher to my home for an hour each day.

The problem was a combination of things. Mainly, I would become too tired to handle all the walking about for the public schools. I would be fine for a week or two (eight weeks was the most I could manage) and then it would start up again. I would push myself and push myself, and then slowly fold up as I ran out of energy.

Eventually the pattern of struggle, collapse, struggle, collapse had a psychological toll as well. I became completely ignorant about social interactions among my age group. My language usage would have been perfect for someone living in the 1940s or earlier (I acquired it mostly from old books) but it did not match up with how my peers / age group spoke.

That’s still a problem.

Age now exacerbates this problem of struggle, collapse, struggle…..

I spent most of my life trying to bull my way through and force myself to keep going long after I ought to have been grabbing a rest day or three.

I did that yesterday (which is what provoked this post). I had spent several days working my way into exhaustion trying to get my books out through Smashwords. I have five of them up now.

I always embarrass myself when I am posting out of  the center of the exhausted state. It’s like someone else posted them. Insecurities and neediness that are not present when I am rested come creeping out like incoherent nightmares and arrive on the pages. Usually on messageboards, and only rarely in my blog posts. Sometimes they come out in comments on other people’s blogs.

I suppose they are my demons.

And my demons get lose when I’m too tired to subdue them.

So, if any of you stumble on my demons, feel free to help me get them back inside the box where they belong.

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This entry was posted on March 3, 2010 by in Janrae Frank.

Janrae Frank

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